The thoughts kept whirling for another week before the current began to slow down, and my focus returned once again. The stylish sense of calm that I had spent years to build and solidify had turned into a gel-like substance. My confidence was barely scratchable and afterwards, I could barely stand on my feet and I’m not sure if I’ve collapsed yet, if I will collapse or if I overpowered the instability, but I remain convinced that my cool only disappeared momentarily - and that I won the war despite having lost every battle.
So what happened exactly? Naturally, it was a girl. We definitely fancied each other from the very beginning, and when the chance appeared, we both jumped in without hesitation. I’m a genuinely good person, albeit some would object. They have their reasons and I won’t deny that some of my statements and actions are radical and to some extent flabbergasting. Instead, read on. Despite my good character, I’m in favour of open relationships. I prefer keeping emotions out of my life, because they are truly ignorant of practicality and often hinders reason and logic. This is also the principle that often leads to some of my radical statements and actions.
My fear of illogical and unreasonable concepts, ideas and approaches is thriving, and although I’ve always wanted to rid myself of this fright, she wasn’t the one to prove my fear wrong. Because as our relationship developed, we decided to “go steady” which eventually came back to haunt me. Developing feelings was an ultimate breach of the laws that I thrive within, but I trusted her. She was experienced beyond my imagination and it calmed me that I could trust her with my body. And as I’ve been tempted to describe it, I gave myself to her. She had grown impatient and wanted me to herself. The reason I want an open relationship isn’t so I can see other girls or have a clean concious should I be with anyone else, but simply a protective boundary for my happiness. I very much dislike unhappiness and uneasiness. Admittedly, I don’t want to be hurt. Alas I took the leap of faith, gave in and asked her to be my girlfriend. The ironic importance of the moment seemed to wither as I’ve entirely forgotten it. I know when it happened and what my words were, but I don’t remember her responses, her pauses and expressions.
Life went on for the both of us, and as much as we tried to cramp our relationship into our overfilled schedules, it didn’t work. I cancelled several of my plans in hope that she was free. We would spend as little as a single night together once every other week. Naturally, we drifted apart as I had initially intended. I had, cruel and cold as I am, calculated and predetermined the entire relationship on beforehand. We would date and we would be happy and we would enjoy the company. Then I would move to a different city to study elsewhere and she would stay home to continue her studies as she was a grade below mine and we would both be fine because we hadn’t grown attached to each other.
School was long and harsh, my future was unpredeterminable and I hadn’t seen my girlfriend or most of my friends in a while. Sometimes when I feel down, I take a day to align and balance myself - and after an afternoon of contemplating I had nourished my sensibility and reason. Then I received a call. Many have told me that I’m good at thinking fast, but I find it contradictory to my own principles. One shouldn’t rush their thoughts. I like to have time to properly think things through - and receiving a disturbing, illogical and unreasonable call caught me off my feet. She was unhappy with my lack of care and concern. I wouldn’t text her goodmorning nor goodnight and we were drifting apart. Reasonable statement but not a logical argument for what she would say next. She dumped me. Fair and square, without warning and without discussion. Well, she did ask me to say something, but what was I to say? She had made up her mind, and didn’t consider it all worth it. So I had nothing much to say, and everything seemed aggravating. It was out of place, out of time, out of control.
I would attempt to stop the conversation immediately and succeeded. We were broken up - and my day ruined. Except I would, minutes later, enter the cinema and watch a very enjoyable film. Prior to the film watching, I did text her. I wanted to talk to her because I had a lot to say and would do so the day after, where in the meantime, I would have had the possibility to think it through as well. Claiming that she had thought about it for four days, I was happy with a good nights sleep and it would be somewhat equal. The one question she answered that night was nothing like the answer to the same the following morning. “Why?” She felt bound by me, she wanted to go out and see other people without feeling guilty. I was shaken. To the core. To my very foundation as human, man, person. I’m almost entirely sure it wasn’t because she left me, but instead the reason for doing so. I was so shaken that I almost shred a tear. Reminding myself that I was in public wasn’t difficult and I attempted to summon as much coldness as I could.
The very simplicity in this growing complexity was astounding. She wanted more from me, and I sacrificed my freedom and now she wanted her own. I told her so and said I didn’t have anything else to say to her. She apologised for her ignorance and stupidity but still left with the freedom I gave to her. Approximately six days after she broke up with me, she sent me a gift. It was inspiration that I had lost many years ago. The inspiration I had thrown into a pit of freezing waters, swallowed by a might larger than what my feeble mind could comprehend, to a place I couldn’t conquer. My body aches after the earthquake she caused but my mind is buzzing with thoughts - and that’s how I understood the law of thought and action: Thought impaires actions. Action impaires thought. Thought encourages action, but action forces thought.
